i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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