She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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