I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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