i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
