Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
