if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
