You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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