hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We talked him into tasing himself.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
