when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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