His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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