she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
