I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize