Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
