so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
