Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
