aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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