Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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