did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
