Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
