I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
