So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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