Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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