Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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