One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
