Please, let me fuck your mom
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize