You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
