I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
