who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
