Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize