It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
don't judge my taste in strippers
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
