You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
