we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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