She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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