there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
