In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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