I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize