From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
