Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
