You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
