Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
