Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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