I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize