And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
