walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
