She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
