someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
