Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
