wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
