i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
