my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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