Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
