so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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