I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
