the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
