the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
