meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize