What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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