I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
