if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
