I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
