I just cut my nipple shaving
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
