omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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