I CAN MOONWALK!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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